From the Eagle’s Nest Ezine

Conflict from the Inside, Out:  The Basics
If conflict is something to be avoided, we naturally aren't curious about its nature:  we'd just as soon have it not exist in our lives.  But the fact is, conflict is a part of being alive, and we will regularly have conflict arise, whether we're arguing over where to go for dinner, or what procedures should be required for ordering supplies at work.  In this issue on conflict, I'll talk about some of the basics we need to realize and come to terms with when we encounter and try to resolve conflict.

 The Nature of Conflict
I like Tom Crum's definition of conflict in The Magic of Conflict: "Conflict is an interference pattern of energies.  It is neither good nor bad; it just is."  Some of the basic truths about conflict are difficult to accept.  For instance, conflict is inevitable in our lives, and yet many of us will do almost anything to avoid it.  We often blame our conflicts on someone or something else, but much of our conflict comes from how we view the situation and how we respond to it.  An illustration of this fact is that we can get worked up over an event, and another person doesn't think it's a big deal. We usually think that person is crazy or in denial, but his or her perspective is often just different than ours. The best communicators in the world have conflicts, because they are always subject to someone else's filters or perceptions of the communicated information.  Part of our challenge with conflict, then, is first to see it as natural and then own our role in escalating or mitigating it.

 Skills
Our ability to work with conflict occurs through our practicing our conflict management skills every chance we get.  The primary areas I focus on are engaging the person with whom I'm having conflict, applying my deepest listening skills, and sharing how I'm responding to the discussion:

In using these skills it's extremely valuable to believe wholeheartedly that your listening is important to the situation:  it may help you defuse an emotional person, clarify a situation, and even resolve a problem.  But being fully present in the encounter, with genuine curiosity and concern not only makes a difference in your particular situation, but contributes to validating the importance of building relationship in the world-however temporary and brief it might be.

Opportunities   
Conflict is also paradoxical; even though we may be enormously uncomfortable when conflict crops up, we can ultimately improve our relationships through conflict situations with a blending of skill, curiosity, dedication and empathy.  So I often say that a conflict is an opportunity to deepen a relationship.

 Recently I experienced a conflict with a colleague.  I asked him to edit my writing.  Now you can just imagine that I might be just a bit sensitive about others editing my writing, but I become especially annoyed and frustrated if the person edits my writing not one time, but several times after changes are integrated.  I found if I rejected some edits that were style changes, that on a third or fourth draft he would forget what changes I had turned down, and include a change that I'd already rejected.  These multiple drafts required that I read the draft from beginning to end every time I received one.  My challenge was to express both my frustration at the multiple drafts and my appreciation of his efforts to "improve" my writing.  But we focused on my difficulties (some which were emotional and some which were legitimate), and his preferred style of editing, and we negotiated a very reasonable understanding of how we would write and edit together.  The main reason we reached agreement, however, is that we were dedicated to an excellent product and we cared about having a productive and meaningful work relationship and friendship.  Although we occasionally have differences, particularly because our styles are very different, we can address them more often with humor and lightness.  Through our efforts we've continued to develop well-written documents and we appreciate what we each contribute to the process.  And come out of it liking each other too!

Those are some of the basics of conflict:  understanding its true nature; learning and using the skills that help you mitigate conflict; and viewing conflict as an opportunity to build relationships.  Rather than avoiding it, we can acknowledge its inevitability and welcome it as a chance to grow.

Susan R. Quinn of the Quinn Company has been an independent consultant and trainer since 1978.  She specializes in facilitation of problem solving for teams and groups in conflict.  She is certified to train using the DiSC Personal Profile System.  Her other best-received training programs are “Dealing with Difficult People,”  “Managing Conflict,” and “Learning to Live in the Eye of the Hurricane.”  She also offers values clarification workshops, and strategic planning services in partnership with her husband, Jerry.  You can reach Susan at the Quinn Company, 246 Via Presa, San Clemente, CA  92672, (949) 366-5890, or email susan@thequinncompany.com.  

Ask about our new cutting edge program, “Clear Thinking:  Tools to Reduce Stress, Manage Conflict and Increase Job Satisfaction.”

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