Conflict from the Inside Out:  Your Relationship to Conflict

    When conflict erupts, do you walk the other way?  Do you feel you have to stand up for yourself?  The way you react to conflict hints at how you relate to conflict.  Most of us steer away from conflict, because it makes us uncomfortable, and we don’t think we handle it well.  But if you decide to have a relationship with conflict when it shows up, your discomfort about conflict begins to change.

Your Pattern in Working with Conflict

    Do you have an overall pattern of response to conflict?  You probably fall into one of two response-to-conflict categories:  you either run from a conflict, or you engage in or escalate the conflict.  If you run from conflict, have you ever thought about why you run?  You might realize that you’re afraid of dealing with the conflict, that you’ll make things worse, that it’s impossible to deal with the a certain other person in a conflict situation, so why bother.  At another level, you might believe that running away protects you from a “dangerous” situation; even though you may feel upset or frustrated after running away, at least you are safe.

    If you are a person who escalates or aggressively engages a conflict, your underlying reasons aren’t much different from the person who runs away.  You, at some level, escalate the conflict in order to take control, to overwhelm the other person, to get your way.  Generally you might do this out of your fear of losing control of the situation or being hurt if you don’t maintain your power.  As you act in this way, you might realize that you likely are doing damage to the relationship, however small, even when you end up with a mutual solution.

What Can You Do?

    So if running away or aggressively engaging the conflict doesn’t work, what will work?  The first step is deciding that you are going to summon up the courage to relate to conflict in a different way.  This decision means challenging your old beliefs about conflicts, giving up your self-image as the victim or aggressor, caring about the impact of your behavior on other people, and committing to act differently when conflict arrives at your door.  It means seeing a conflict as an opportunity to be curious, to engage productively, to improve a relationship and to grow.  Like anything else in your life, these steps take courage (knowing that you may not do it well or consistently), forgiving yourself (when you screw up), and perseverance.

    With my work on how I deal with conflict over the years, I’ve recognized the transformative impact my work with conflict has had in my life.  For example, I work on a team where we are trying to determine the direction of an organization.  One friend on the team and I have very different and conflicting views.  I am enormously grateful for her willingness to express her points of view with passion and clarity; her ideas motivate me to look at my own viewpoints, biases and preferences.  She also listens to me with great interest, and we can actually appreciate our different perceptions and how they contribute to the creative process.  Ultimately the organization, our friendship and teamwork will be strengthened due to our commitment to open to each other’s ideas, explore them and express them without condemning them or with animosity.

    So how can you relate to conflict in this way?  Here are some steps to try…

    The point is to stay engaged, curious and open.  Certainly there are extreme situations where the other person will refuse to engage, to stay open or to consider your point of view.  But don’t assume this is always true.  When conflict arrives, don’t run away or attack out of fear, mindlessly responding in a habitual and counterproductive way.  Instead, mindfully approach your conflicts, one situation at a time.  Celebrate when the conflict resolves productively; forgive yourself when you fall into old habits. And resolutely hold to your commitment to work with conflict in ways that provide quality resolution and the building of deeper relationships.