Conflict from the Inside, Out:  Options for Engagement

    How often do you assume that the only ways to respond to conflict are to walk away or fight it out?  Of course, if we walk away, we may frustrate the other person, but will likely feel self-righteous or wounded by the situation and the people involved.  When we take on the conflict, we assume that we are right (making the other person wrong), and we’ll want to convince the other person of this fact. Unfortunately, both of these approaches to conflict are, at a minimum, ineffective, and at worst, destructive. Neither walking away nor engaging is necessarily wrong.  But doing either one with the motivation of making ourselves right and others wrong usually damages relationships.  So what other choices do we have?

Giving up and Letting Go

    One of the steps you can take in conflict is to “let it go.”  Before you do this, it’s important to check out your motivation for not engaging:  Are you afraid?  Does the potential for a worse conflict make you uncomfortable?  Or do you have expectations or desires that simply cannot be met?  For example, I’ve occasionally started up a new friendship, only to discover that the person only seems interested in talking about himself, and is minimally interested in me; these conditions create internal conflict for me.  Even when I begin sharing what’s going on in my life in our conversation (without an inquiry from the other person), there seems to be no curiosity on the other person’s part to find out more.  After my brief effort to share, he starts talking about himself again.

    Now this is not a bad person.  And I also know that I can’t change him.  This is simply the way he engages.  A couple of times with new friends I have pointed out the imbalance in the conversation.  In two cases the people began, grudgingly (as they pointed out how well they were doing), to ask about me.  But there was no genuine curiosity or caring.  After much analysis, I’ve figured out I have the choice of letting go of the expectation that these potential new friends will change; that means that I need to decide if I want to continue to pursue the friendships or not, without making them bad or wrong.

    Generally letting go of a conflict (such as wanting to have a different kind of relationship) is a two-part process.  First, there is giving up, which means I’ve decided it’s impossible for me to make another person change, but I still feel disappointed, sad and hurt.  Over time, however, as I mentally “give up” over and over again, I recognize my desire for people to be different, and eventually, my “giving up” transforms into “letting go.”  I’m no longer hurt by the choices I’ve made, and recognize I made a healthy decision for myself.  It takes practice to be able to take these steps, but it’s also wonderfully liberating not to be trapped in my own expectations.

Engaging the conflict

    Why engage a conflict when there’s the possibility of a blow-up?  If another person gets upset or angry with you when you try to engage her in a dialogue about a conflict, the chances are that she’s responding out of fear or embarrassment.  I’m sure you can remember a time when you got defensive in response to your being anxious or embarrassed; it’s very uncomfortable.  There are times you might assume that when you engage with a person, you might see the conflict escalate; this escalation can be a temporary state, however, if you can stay centered and allow yourself to experience empathy for whatever the person is experiencing.  Even if you get defensive initially, you can “step back” and own your defensiveness, and stay engaged.  Often the person will become less defensive and more willing to talk with you.  But this situation requires your staying connected to the person and her reactions, clearing the way for a productive and more open discussion.  If you are talking about an ongoing problem where you want the other person to change, and you decide there’s no hope of that happening (whether it’s a legitimate desire on your part or not), then you can engage in the process of giving up and letting go.  Because there sometimes is nothing else you can do.

Clearing a Conflict

    Recently I sent an email to a friend providing her with some input.  Instead of sending an email, I should have called her, because an email rarely expresses the “tone” of the conflict clearly. My friend understandably was disturbed because there was a lack of information, and my email suggested a deeper resentment on my part than actually existed.  Rather than emailing me in return, she called me and we talked about the situation.  I admitted that I shouldn’t have communicated by email, that I wasn’t as upset as I must have sounded, and that I had a responsibility to give her feedback in a timely manner.  She noted that she does sometimes look more at the big picture than details, that she was open to feedback in the moment, and that she would work harder to do a more thorough job.  The beauty of our discussion was the clarity we’d reached, the understanding of each others’ concerns, and the agreement to interact with each other in more effective ways.  We also realized that we loved each other as friends, and that we valued the relationship and working together, and doing whatever we had to do to be sure we dealt with whatever concerns might arise.  I came away feeling rewarded that we had resolved the conflict together, that the friendship had deepened and that I had learned to be an even better colleague and friend.