Working with Expectations

     Everybody has expectations.  We couldn’t survive without them!  We expect the sun to rise every morning, that our homes will be where they were when we left them in the morning, and that we’ll gain weight if we eat too much of the wrong foods.  These are reasonable expectations and reflect a level of life experience and common sense.  We can challenge our happiness in the workplace, however, if we don’t reflect on our expectations, clarify whether they are reasonable or not, and determine how we might benefit from letting them go.

 Healthy Expectations

    Besides the expectation that the sun will rise everyday, what are healthy and reasonable expectations?  Certain expectations in relationships are healthy.  For those people whom you know well, a level of trust is reasonable.  That trust doesn’t mean that people will always do exactly what you expect them to do (since some of us are forgetful or get sidetracked now and then), but the chances are good that if they have a track record of keeping confidences, doing what they promise, and treating you with kindness and respect, you can probably assume with some confidence that they will come through.  At work with co-workers, particularly for those who have shown a pattern of meeting your expectations, it’s fair to expect that there is a high probability they will continue to respect and value the relationship.

Unhealthy Expectations

    At work, you might have expectations that compromise your happiness.  You might expect things to be different:  wish that you had a friendlier supervisor; that the organization provided better benefits; that you had an office with a window.  The list could go on and on.  Expectations are different from “wishes”; they have a certain demanding energy that suggests not only a desire for something but the assumption of entitlement, that this is the way things should be.I remember working with a manager who had an angry, punitive manager working for him.  Although he knew the employee treated others poorly, and even that the behavior was inappropriate, he refused to release the employee.  Over and over again I tried to convince him that keeping the employee was destructive not only to the employees who reported to this manager, but to the whole organization, but the manager would not let him go.  He even provided a consultant for personal coaching to the reporting manager, which seemed to reduce minimally the reporting manager’s behavior, but he still continued to act in punitive ways.

     I was frustrated, believing there must be some way I could convince the manager of how destructive the reporting manager was.  I expected him to understand my reasoning and take the obvious (to me) steps to remove this problem employee.  It wasn’t until several years later that the reporting manager was “encouraged to retire” due to health problems and he finally left the organization.  Meanwhile, many employees had suffered under his management.

     There are those of you who have the expectation that people will let you down if you trust them.  You have been disappointed in your life, and you simply choose not to believe in people.  This approach feels like the safest way to be in relationship. Unfortunately, even if you have positive experiences with co-workers, you tend to consider the situation a fluke, or don’t even notice that it challenges your usual expectations.  Although this may seem to be a safe way to operate in the world, your attitude will tend to alienate others and make your work with them more difficult—for both of you.  You are actually the source of your own isolation and alienation.

 Changing Expectations

    You may be willing to acknowledge that you have these unhealthy expectations, and they cause you to be unhappy, but you are unable to let go of them.  Even when you try to ignore them or push them away, they keep popping up.  Or you realize that they cause you suffering, but it’s not fair that you have to live with the situation:  someone should do something so you no longer suffer.

     If you are truly willing to let go of your expectations and take responsibility for them, here are some steps you can take.  First, rather than pushing away an expectation, acknowledge it as an expectation; don’t judge it or push it away; simply note that it exists.  Second, notice how you experience the expectation; notice your feelings about it, or note how your body feels when you think about it.  Third, ask yourself if you actually can have that expectation met.  Chances are, you’ll say no.  And then focus on the next moment, task, conversation, activity.  This activity is the process of “letting go.” 

    At first glance it may sound complicated, but it’s not:  note the expectation, feel it, ask if you can have it (no) and let it go. When you have strong expectations, the letting go process can take a long time.  If you continue to take these steps, you’ll find over time that the expectation has less hold on you, less energy, and eventually you may realize that you’ve finally let it go.  If you never fully let it to, you’ll at least have the opportunity to free yourself of the intensity of the toughest expectations, one day at a time.  It’s a way to liberate yourself from your expectations and be happier in your work.