From the Eagle’s Nest Ezine

 

A Bi-Monthly Publication, Issue #16 –October 2005
Publisher:  Susan Quinn, susan@thequinncompany.com

Conflict from the Inside Out:  Making a Personal Commitment   

.At this point in our annual ezine series, I hope you’ve experienced a deeper understanding of conflict.  Maybe you’ve even experimented with the conflict management tools I’ve suggested.  Appreciating conflict and working with it effectively takes much more.  It calls to us to make a personal, deep commitment to working with it in conscious and productive ways, if we value our work relationships and want to be instrumental in expanding and enriching them.  What does it mean to make a personal commitment to working with conflict?  And what keeps us from making that commitment?

 Holding Back from a Commitment

    When you study conflict, and learn the skills you can use to be effective, you can see the benefits of working well with conflict.  Nevertheless, you might hesitate to commit to changing your approach to conflict, and it’s a valuable exercise to explore what holds you back.  Consider the following factors:

bullet You could possibly do more harm than good, by trying out new skills that aren’t familiar to you.
bullet It could take a very long time for you to integrate new skills and that’s a daunting prospect.
bullet You’ll look incompetent (foolish, awkward, uncomfortable—you insert the correct adjective) as you continue to practice new behaviors.
bullet Other people are surprised at your new efforts and become alarmed at what you’re doing!
bullet You’d rather hold on to the illusion that harmony can be maintained, as long as you ignore the problem.

    All of these factors may or may not be true for you.  It doesn’t make you a bad person if you feel this way; in fact, it points to your humanness.  It’s just that these attitudes also don’t bring genuine harmony into the world.  The paradox is that if you acknowledge your humanness but don’t become trapped into thinking it’s always helpful, you can begin to change the way you relate to conflict and to the important people in your life.

How I Practice My Commitment

    In my own life, I wrestle with these same issues.  I was at a meeting recently with a group of colleagues whom I enormously respect and like.  As the meeting progressed, however, there was a lot of kidding around and “one-upsmanship” going on that was taking a lot of our precious and limited meeting time, and I found myself aggravated by the continual jockeying for position; I also realized that as a person whose humor is more subtle and quieter, I felt left out.  With a friend’s help, I processed what I really wanted, and I was able to express it to the group without hurt or anger.  Although the downside is that my comments probably made them a bit paranoid about making humorous remarks, it also made them more conscious of what they were doing and the impact of their behavior.  I felt heard, and received feedback that I had shared my thoughts and feelings fairly and effectively.

Making Your Commitment

    What would your own personal commitment to working with conflict “look like”?  Here are a few suggestions to consider…..

You could make a commitment to being more conscious and present.  That means paying attention to the conflicts that arise; check in with yourself to determine whether dealing with certain conflict situations might benefit you and others.

When someone else gets upset, can you imagine yourself in that person’s position?  Can you think of how that person’s reaction could be your own in different circumstances?  Does empathy arise in that realization, so that you can talk about what’s going in a sincere and helpful way?

Consider whether you are truly ready to accept conflict as an inevitable part of life.  Are you willing to welcome the opportunities conflicts offer you to understand another’s point of view or preferences?  Are you prepared to acknowledge that you might have something to learn from another?  Are you open to the possibility that your interaction could actually improve the relationship?

If you are a person who says you love to learn, can you make working with conflict a lifelong learning experience?  Changing instinctive, habitual behaviors is very difficult, particularly when you have to tune in to your own fear and resistance.  A conflict gives you the chance to shake up your habitual responses and respond in new and constructive ways.

Finally, conflicts challenge you to ask yourself, “How important is it to have healthy relationships in my life?  Am I willing to be uncomfortable at times in order to further my relationships, and therefore the work I do with others?”

These are thought-provoking challenges for making a personal commitment to working with conflict.  I hope that you’ll weigh them carefully and realize the opportunities for taking your relationships to new levels of cooperation, concern and trust.

 

Ask about our new cutting edge program, “Conflict from the Inside, Out.”
 

Susan R. Quinn of the Quinn Company has been an independent consultant and trainer since 1978.  She specializes in facilitation of problem solving for teams and groups in conflict.  She is certified to train using the DiSC Personal Profile System.  Her other best-received training programs are “Dealing with Difficult People,”  “Managing Conflict,” and “Learning to Live in the Eye of the Hurricane.”  She also offers values clarification workshops, and strategic planning services in partnership with her husband, Jerry.  You can reach Susan at the Quinn Company, 246 Via Presa, San Clemente, CA  92672, (949) 366-5890, or email susan@thequinncompany.com.  

 

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