From the Eagle’s Nest Ezine

REDEFINING OUR RELATIONSHIPS      

What does it mean to redefine your relationships?  Primarily, it means exploring what you expect in your relationships with others, and asking yourself if you are being realistic, fair and understanding in your expectations of others.  More than that, do your expectations strengthen your relationships with others, and your ability to relate well, or do they cause damage?  Finally, what can you do differently in your relationships that would honor your beliefs, and also contribute to deeper and more meaningful connections with others?      

What Do You Expect?

            You probably have different expectations of people, depending on your relationship with them.  But if you look at the patterns of your expectations, you may see similarities.  For example, you may expect loyalty, consistency, friendship, respect, and helpfulness from nearly everyone.  You may value a sense of humor, hard work, and clear and regular communications, too.  The difficulty occurs when you have specific expectations about how a person should act, and the person doesn’t comply.  For example, I’ve worked with organizations where an employee expected everyone to be friendly first thing in the morning:  that meant greeting him, making eye contact and smiling when people came in.  Now for some of you, that sounds like a little thing to expect.  But there was always at least one person who was not a “morning person,” who was introverted, and often pre-occupied.  These traits, in isolation, were not “bad” or “wrong,” but for the person who had a strong belief that friendly behaviors were essential at work, the absence of them was disappointing and hurtful.  You might be tempted to say (especially if you’re an introverted, preoccupied, night person-type) that the person with the expectation was “wrong,” or unfair or demanding.  The fact is, neither person was wrong.  You could also suggest that the person coming in could make more of an effort to be friendly in the morning, but that doesn’t solve the question of whether the person with the expectation was being reasonable or not—and that is the defining issue:  what is reasonable to expect of another person, and what expectations are you willing to let go of?

 What are Higher Level Expectations?

                In thinking about expectations, which ones are essential for a good relationship, and which ones are you willing to release?  For example, I would have a difficult time working with a person who has lied.  A lie violates basic trust, and if I can’t trust a person, it damages my ability to count on her, respect her and even like her.  So I expect people to be honest with me.  That expectation is a far cry from asking my husband, after 28 years, to remember to keep the kitchen counter clean and not use it as a repository for junk mail!  A lie may feel like a violation; the cluttered counter is simply annoying.

                So an intriguing exercise for you might be to make a list of your higher-level expectations of others.  Especially note where those expectations are not met.  Then ask yourself, putting aside your earliest beliefs about how people should behave, how important is that expectation?  Does it enhance the integrity and trust in the relationship?  Or is it a personal preference about how you wish others would act?  Please understand that there is nothing wrong with preferences.  But if you are adamant about having your expectations met (especially those which are preferences), you may find yourself frequently disappointed and acting in ways that damage the relationship (by demanding that others act or think the way you expect).

When Should You Stick with Your Expectations?

                This question is a tough one.  The first thing you need to do is be sure you are talking about the integrity of the relationship or about a higher-level value (not just a preference).  You can explain your expectation of the other person, explain that it is an important value to you, and that you’d like to know if the person is willing to explore alternative ways of relating to you or behaving.  Indicate the implications of the person’s continuing to behave in ways that violate trust.  If the person refuses to explore your request, you may choose to see the situation as a lesson learned” and adjust your interactions and attitudes with the person accordingly.

What Does it Mean to Redefine a Relationship?

                The biggest factors of redefining a relationship are being clear about the difference between expectations of others based on values, and expectations based on preferences.  Are you willing to let go of your preferences, realizing that by holding on to them you may damage relationships?  Redefining relationships also means giving people the freedom to be who they are, without your molding them into a vision of who you think they should be.  This is probably your greatest challenge, and you will probably find yourself having to do it over and over again:  letting go of the expectation that people will always behave in predictable ways that make you comfortable, satisfied, and happy.  The paradoxical outcome of this exercise of letting go of expectations is that you will become more comfortable, satisfied and happy in your relationships with others, because your ideas about the behavior of others becomes more inclusive, flexible and accepting.  And that’s what leads to truly honest and deep relationships.

Susan R. Quinn of the Quinn Company has been an independent consultant and trainer since 1978.  She specializes in facilitation of problem solving for teams and groups in conflict.  She is certified to train using the DiSC Personal Profile System.  Her other best-received training programs are “Dealing with Difficult People,”  “Managing Conflict,” and “Learning to Live in the Eye of the Hurricane.”  She also offers values clarification workshops, and strategic planning services in partnership with her husband, Jerry.  You can reach Susan at the Quinn Company, 246 Via Presa, San Clemente, CA  92672, (949) 366-5890, or email susanquinn@earthlink.net.

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